OPENING MONOLOGUE: Hugh Jackman
--WHAT A SEXPOT. CAN I HAVE HIM? REPEATEDLY? His dance number BLEW MY MIND, and he's such a good singer. I was so excited and thrilled.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Penelope Cruz
--So glad she won it. Her dress is AMAZING. Sixty year old gown restored WIN. She's wonderful, dedicating the Oscar to her friends and family, which is really quite sweet. “Art is and always will be our universal language.” What an amazing woman.
“It has been said that to write is to live forever. The man who said that is dead.” --Tina Fey and Steve Martin. SCIENTOLOGY DIG!!! May I just point out that thus far this is the BEST Oscar ceremony I have ever seen.
BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY: Milk
--What an incredible speech.
BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY: Slumdog Millionaire!!
--I LOVE THIS MOVIE. YES! MENTION THE AUTHOR. GOOD MAN.
”Each year I do a Dreamworks picture, take all the money I make to the Oscars and BET IT ON PIXAR!” --Jack Black
*clip of WALL-E throwing away an Oscar* *excellent montage of animation*
BEST ANIMATED FILM: WALL-E
--Is anyone actually surprised by this? Thank the family, oooh, thank the high school drama teacher who cast him in Hello, Dolly! What a cool dude!
BEST ANIMATED SHORT FILM: La Maison en petits cubes.
--Guy is astonished at weight of the Oscar. ”Sank you!” DOMO ARIGATO, MR. ROBOTO!
Dear Sarah Jessica Parker, please have a skirt that is contained to this continent. Thank you.
ACHIEVEMENT IN ART DIRECTION: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
--Mildly annoyed, since I wanted The Duchess (or as B would have it “BUT. CHATSWORTH!”) Boring suits talking.
ACHIEVEMENT IN COSTUME DESIGN: The Duchess
--weepyish bloke. He went on a bit.
ACHIEVEMENT IN MAKEUP: Curious Case of Benjamin Button
--Thank the actors, you lovely bloke. OOOH, THANK THE CITY!
Thank you for removing your boobs, SJP. However, RPattz is now drunk on stage. Whoooo, montage!
“You look like you work at a Hassidic meth lab” --Natalie Portman, to Ben Stiller dressed as Joaquin Phoenix
OUSTANDING CINEMATOGRAPHY: Slumdog Millionaire
--Winning shot: that train station. INCREDIBLE. Beautiful shot. “I try to thank people more on set.”
COMEDY MONTAGE. WTF. WOW. SO MANY AMAZING MOMENTS. They're laughing at srs bsns films, like The Reader, and now James Franco has put his arm around Seth Rogen during Milk. Now he has a dollar stapled to his face. Oscar winning cinematographer, chilling with stoners. Good. And now these morons are presenting. At least it's not like Rpattz who was clearly drunk.
BEST LIVE-ACTION SHORT: Toyland
--IT'S ABOUT NAZIS. IT WINS AN OSCAR. EXTRAS IS RIGHT AGAIN. Nice bloke, though. Kept it short and sweet.
THIS IS THE MOST AMAZING MUSICAL MONTAGE I HAVE EVER SEEN MY LIFE.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Heath Ledger
--short speech from the family. Beautiful. Mention of his poor daughter. D:
Bill Maher is apparently wearing Pleather to the Oscars. I have a big problem with it. MAN WITH LARGE TEETH.
BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE: Man on Wire
-‘Shortest speech in Oscar history: “YES!”’ What an awesome dude!!!! HE JUST BALANCED THE OSCAR ON HIS CHIN.
BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT: Smile Pinki
-Thank God she didn’t cry. I would have to be annoyed.
WILL SMITH JUST CAME OUT OF THE FLOOR. AND DID A COOL SPEECH. WHAT A BADASS.
OUSTANDING VISUAL EFFECTS: Curious Case of Benjamin Button
OUTSTANDING SOUND EDITING: The Dark Knight
--Molly: “WAS THAT EVEN NOMINATED?”
OUTSTANDING SOUND MIXING: Slumdog Millionaire
--Awww, out of breath and overwhelmed Indian dude! “The only thing that follows silence is silence.”
OUSTANDING FILM EDITING: Slumdog Millionaire
--This was an incredibly edited film.
“Cancer flavored cancer.”—Katherine Denler
“It’s often said that comedians are over-grown childrens.”—Eddie Murphey.
Jerry Lewis wins humanitarian award. Jerry Lewis moves awkwardly around the stage. Great up the nostril shot. Very sweet speech, though. Bows to the corners.
BEST ORIGINAL SCORE: Slumdog Millionaire A.R. Rahman
--Very cool guy, incomprehensible speech.
BEST ORIGINAL SONG: “Jai-ho”
--Presentations of the songs were incredible. O Saya was actually sung by the composer, which is even more badass than I thought. Tragically missing was MIA, which is rather amusing, really. Rahman thanks everybody in Mumbai. That’s awesome. “The power of hope in our lives…I chose love and I’m here. God bless.”
BEST FOREIGN FILM: “Departures”
--Oh God. A film about an unemployed classical musician who takes a job in a mortuary. OH GOD. OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD. “Sank you to everybody.” ADORABLE ASIAN GIRL! “I am very, very happy!”
Queen Latifah looks beautiful, and now it’s the tribute to the people who passed away in the film industry this year. Wow, she’s so damn good at singing.
President didn’t make a speech, thank God. Now Reese Witherspoon is on and calling out Ben Stiller on having tantrums in his trailer.
BEST DIRECTOR: Danny Boyle, Slumdog Millionaire
--At this point Molly gave Joe a really dirty look. Danny Boyle is talking and I love his accent. HE FORGOT THE CHOREOGRAPHER ON THE CREDITS. SO HE THANKED HIM IN HIS OSCAR SPEECH. Mumbai love.
SOFIA LOREN IS A HORROR OF TANNING AND COSMETIC SURGURY. ALL SHE NEEDS IS A GAROISE TO LOOK LIKE A BROTHEL MADAM. OH HOLY GOD. I do like the presentation idea of the five previous winning actresses doing personal tributes to the nominated actresses.
BEST ACTRESS: KATE WINSLET.
--B and I are thrilled beyond words. “Well, this isn’t a shampoo bottle now!” Adorable shot of her daddy! She’s so wonderful. YAY!!!!!!! Kate saying “I think we all can’t believe we’re nominated in the same category as Meryl Streep.”
ON ROBERT PATTINSON CREEPING BEHIND MICKEY ROURKE: “Who IS that guy?”—Katherine Me: “Um. That’s Robert Pattinson.” *RAUCOUS LAUGHTER FROM ALL OF US* “’CAUSE I WAS GOING TO SAY. HE KIND OF LOOKS LIKE A VAMPIRE.” *insert rpattz mocking here, including insinuations that he was drunk*
BEST ACTOR: Sean Penn
--“You cunning, homo-loving sons of guns.” –Sean Penn. “I know how hard I make it to appreciate me. I had the names written down in case you were cunning, homo-loving sons of guns.” Honors director, Gus van Sant. “Mickey Rourke rises again, and he is my brother.” He is a screen god.
SPIELBERG PRESENTS BEST PICTURE AND TALKS COMPLETE NONSENSE. HE USED THE WORD “CELLULOID.” WHAT A BALLER.
BEST PICTURE: SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE
-THE ENTIRE CAST IS ONSTAGE. ADORABLE SMALL CHILDREN. I LOVE INDIAN CHILDREN.